I have moved my blog from this web-log to Blogspot. Here I suffered from spammers and the like and I will now have a fresh start of the year with a new blog and new ideas.

Follow on my TimeWriter around the world (fictional story)

Giselle (Gisellig)

at Blogspot

This blog will serve as archive. So, follow me at blogspot and the attached twitter account Vagiselle

Join the Journey!

Here to stay

If I could only run away
Take my life and clear my way
Let rivers of tears run down
Turns fake smiles into frowns
Pack a bag and leave this place forever
All alone, I don’t long to be together
Cold nights after colder days
Even my heart is in decay
Broken wishes trail along
While I sing another sad song
Another year passed me by
Well the tears dry up and I can’t cry
365 days of struggle lay ahead
I know find myself back in bed
Wishing my life would be at end
Hoping words would simply mend
Deep within I know dead is no road to go
What else, I don’t know
A million wishes upon trillion stars
Have never taken me far
Spend my day killing time
Hurting their hearts, shattering mine.
I want this night to ever last
To be the future, to be the past.
When I sleep, it will pass away
but all I’ve learned is that I’m here to stay

The Living Long Deceased

White noise from the radio
Grey noise in my head
clouding up the errors
pouring down on me
Rain from my headphones
filling up the holes
dripping into my heartbeat
overflows my soul
Recovering lost data
from forgotten memories
heartaches, soulaches, shot wounds,
the hand that smothered me.
Everlasting white noise
right from the machine
stronger than a sleeping drug
killing all but me
The numbers that we are
forgotten after our turn
not a patient, just an income
to feed your material lust
I anger and the sadness
the truth that is a lie
the living and the killing
but no one ever dies
Drugs on sale for nothing
no therapy we need
the shot wounds never healing
the fed is who we feed
A castle build of paper
protecting the heart inside
transparent and fragile
is what we hide behind
The eyes that cast their empathy
have forgotten after they blink
the ship that has been broken down
no one watches it sink
When we hit rock bottom
there is nothing that will reach
our hands hold out in agony
the living long deceased.

so, I went away for a little while. Two weeks and a few days to, what they call, relax. It started off as a nerve breaking boat trip to the island of the Britons. My father hadn’t checked his passport and apparently it had expired, so we went to the UK with a father with no valid passport. Doesn’t that sound exciting, especially having to sleep on the boat with the thought that we could be send home the next morning at the British customs.

… We got through and the vacation finally started, southern UK it would be, be south didn’t mean good weather. The weather was bipolar like mad, one moment it was boiling hot, the next it was raining as the Britons had never seen before. We did some sightseeing, visited picturesque fishing villages and of course the infamous Stonehenge. I actually can’t remember that much about it, most of the time I just felt low and dragged myself along, causing irritation by my fellow travellers a.k.a my dad, mother and sister.

The last days we stayed more northern, in Salisbury so we could get the ferry back to Harich and have the rare trip to London. Why London of all places? Because the Internation Meet Up was taking place there and it would be so frustrating to be in the country but not being able to go to the International Meet Up of the Asylum (Official EA Forum). So I did, more to come about that one, with boobgroping and booze and cuddlepuddles.

Stay Tuned!

So vacation time has finally and officially kicked in. The beginning was a little rough, with its downs and even lower days. I have gone through it and now just being in a general mood of "I don’t know what will happen but what comes around comes around". Last Tuesday I felt rather lonely at home, you know those days that you are the only one at home and there is nothing you can do and no one to talk to. The weather looked fine after dropping my brother off at the airport at 6am in the pouring rain for his internship at a cargo ship in Hammerfest. I decided to invite some friends to the beach and enjoy some well deserved booze and a beautiful sunset. Due to the fact that I asked them a little late to come over only one could show up, not that I really minded.

So we went to the beach with a bag loaded with booze and food and a bike that wouldn’t work. My great friend Noodles did not know how to fix a bike, well he did but in the end I had to fix my bike he was riding on, not once, but four times!! I call that girlpower! (I just know that my mental penis is longer than his ;])Finally there we enjoyed the view and the indepth talk about what has happened in the last few weeks, you know relationships and all that kind of ramble.

My parents also finally decided that they wanted to go on vacation to the south of England, I actually opposed that idea since my whole study has gone down the drain and I was not waiting to spend two weeks in England while in the back of my mind I would know that I would never be able to study it. Secretly, England is the only country I want to be in, spend the rest of my life in. I am an odd duck after all. Yesterday we (me and my parents) had the odd conversation about what I was going to do after the summer. I knew with this study being a total failure I had to think of something. I am not ready to start another study, especially not since I only want to start another one when I am sure what I want to do. I came to the conclution that I just have to put myself through a year off and work to earn some money and spend some times on writing, playing violin and education myself on several matters and of course visiting open days of universities and colleges.

So, tomorrow (Saturday) I am off to England and will take all my new clothes with me and at least try to enjoy the country, the food and especially the language. I do have to make sure that things won’t bring me down because I can recall a certain sleepless night in a cottage in Northern England in which I cut myself out of frustration. Some things just never seem to go away, but I will try to stay clear from now on, I am trying to eat healthy but with my parents making dinner it won’t always work. Life is what you make it. Life is also a bitch. I don’t know what to do with it but now at least I know what is coming ahead.

Things to look forward to
- Two weeks in England
- Seeing lots of sights, culture and history
- Thinking of gifts I want for my birthday
- Surprise the people I love, aprreciate and do not want to live without

I am in no way or shape someone who draws to pass the time. I must admit that I am already glad that I got some of my writing skills back so I can at least put some sensible words of poetry on paper. This whole things causes a creativity and mental blockage. AFter watching threadbanger about how to draw a sketch of your clothing idea I took up the same idea. I have been drawing clothes for a while now, just doodling, the odd corset in my notebook. Today, after having no sleep I decided to get the empty scrapbook of the floor where it was waiting to be filled with sheetmusic and redrew some of my older designs on croquis so that I finally got the right shape for the body. It turned out rather nice and I can’t say that I am the new Coco Chanel, certainly not because my ideas involve corsets and ruffles and lace that Coco(rico) thought to be distracting and too much.

Now, where will this lead to? The first evidence of my sense of fashion through the lense of a crappy webcam. Inspired on Vecona’s pyrate costume and Wicked. (click on the picture for bigger view)

Far Away

Broken ground has stopped crying
Dead trees have stopped trying
Lonely bird will never learn to sing
A tragic end does not know how to begin

Word can only travel so far
You can’t fly with just a car
A phone won’t provide you human touch
When you try it’s never, ever enough

A million miles away is not next door
It all seems closer but it’s as far as before
The other end of the line is not face to face
Without the person near, you can’t see what she says

Letters on a screen can’t give you love
But a life without you at all, is tough.

This being the title of my weblog now, it is rather fitting because in the end you can never go back time. I honestly wish I could go back in time and set everything right, undo everything. If it were only that simple, but life is cruel enough and makes it almost impossible to patch things up to what they were. We just have to live on with what we have trying to make the best of it. I feel like a piece of fabric that gets thinner and thinner by wearing and tearing day after day. Before I know it I am worn out and am nothing more but shreds of what I once was.

I have sunken in this melangolic state of mind in which the apocalypse is not far away and the future is not tomorrow. These weeks I have to make up what to do next year since I dropped out of college. I do not feel ready for something else yet and with the fear of doing anything I keep putting it off until it is probably too late. I have three options, start a new study, work for a year or travel and work for a year. The latter two would mentally tear me apart, making me suffer even more from anxiety and depression because I would simply be afraid to do anything wrong and stressing out thinking that I am doing everything wrong, my body disagrees too in the end and I get sick and tired. Going back to college for something new is a rather hard decision because all I want to do is English but I now fear that this might not be the thing I am good at. I don’t have plans for my future and can’t see what is ahead of me or what I would like to do. Though I did got inspiration to design clothes again, something I am not good it but just enjoy doing because I have many ideas for clothes but never get around to actually doing something with them.

I wish a future plan would fall down from the sky telling me what I should do and reassuring me that I will like it and be good at. Life is a bitch and throws rocks at me it seems, they make up a rather bumpy road. Even playing violin doesn’t make me feel better, it makes me feel talentless especially after getting grades back and seeing that my poem was the worst of the class. It seems everybody around me is doing well, a sister would gets almost only straight As. God, sometimes I just hate my life and sometimes I just want to get rid of it. Right now, it will be best to focus on what I am going to do next year.

In uncertainty, paint it black and slap a skull on it.

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Words of Regret

You are too far away
There is so much that I can’t say
A blackening sky follows me overhead
You said you love me
Still you wished me dead
I caused you pain and agony
I wish I did not do it to you, to me.
Our hearts are hurt
I wish I could revert
This pain I feel inside
The questions in my mind
All the stabs I gave your heart
Which may tear you apart.
I wish I did not do
The things I did to you
My hearts feels like a stone
My body’s only bone
I do not sleep, eat or dream
I long to just scream
I’m sorry for what I did
if I only just got rid
of this stubborn little heart
that intrigued you from the start
I am not worth your tears
not even many years
The words still hanging from my lips
The words coming from my fingertips

Are: I’m so sorry

You might as well think by now that I must be either crazy or craving for attention. This time I don’t, this is just something I want to say because I need to say it for some odd reason I am going to explain because even though some feelings are understandable, I am confused.

Last Sunday night I was still walking around barefoot in the middle of the night outside in my PJs and a rather revealing shirt thinking about if I was going to kill myself and how I would do it and why I was still alive. You know that mumbo jumbo, the usual I don’t want to live anymore idea because nobody loves me and my life sucks. While I am writing this I feel some sort of mania going on and I just don’t understand it. About two days ago I felt like my life should end that very moment because it was useless and my future was hopeless. Now I can’t sleep and there is a constant buzz in my mind that wants me to stay away and do things. Last night I went to bed at 3.30am because I simply couldn’t get to sleep, there were so many things to say and do. Now I’m also awake and a godforsaken hour at night (2.24) and I can’t sleep either.
Today I got all kind of mails on my schoolmail, some of them containing my last grades of last week’s test week. Before I checked out the mails I had a _beautiful_ score of 17/60 study points needed to go to uni and 17/40 to go on with the course. Which is of course far too little and even passing everything this period wouldn’t leave me with enough points. I read the mails and yes, I failed every single one of this period’s courses. I was waiting for some smack in the face the happen, a glimps of unhappiness stirring in my heart. Nothing.

Nothing at all … just some odd feeling that wanted to celebrate the fact that I have now officially and epically failed this study and this year. I don’t know what’s going on with me. How can I swing between emotions that fast and why don’t I care about my future. I should be looking into another study or a place to get a job or at least someting but I feel like I don’t need all of that. Why is that? I wish I knew, is this some sort of protection against myself, my body protecting me against me hurting or killing myself or is it something else that makes me feel this way. I had undoubted reason to feel that low this weekend but I have no reasons to feel this high now. What is this? I already said some kind of mania and it does feel like it, the sleeplessness, the constant buzzing in my mind that tells me to do things, the ideas that dissolve and sudden bursts of creativity.

Dictionary: ma·nia